​Ahh, the joy of marriage!  You meet that special person that makes your heart (and maybe some other body parts) flutter.  You talk, you date, you get to know that other person inside and out, or so you think.  One day, there is a ring, a cermony, a joint checking account, maybe a pet or two.  Hopefully there is a house, maybe kids, possibly careers for the both of you.  Each year adds more opportunities, more challenges, more responsibilities.  Sometimes you argue, but mostly you agree, because you are in this for the long haul, right?  This is the person that you chose to spend the rest of your life with, yes?  'Til death do you part.  This is the person you rely on, to be your partner, to be your yang to your yin or your yin to your yang or whatever the situation.  The person you said you would come home to. Every night for the  r e s t  o f  y o u r  l i f e...

Every once in a while, not saying ALWAYS (actually I am), there comes a point where you question.  Who is this person again?  Why did I marry them instead of that other person?  How did I get here?  And next thing you know, you have that old Talking Heads song going around in your brain.  It happens.  It's normal.  If you didn't question your circumstances on a regular basis, you wouldn't be alive.  This is how we grow.  We question, we judge, we change based on those judgements and we GROW.  We become better. Our circumstances become better.  Because we were brave enough to question our current situation.  Question your choices.  It will be okay.

Usually (and hopefully) we end up reinforcing the fact that we made a good initial decision and it just needs a little tweaking or a new perspective.  Occasionally, and hopefully rarely, we sadly discover the decisions we made were not healthy for us long term.  Either way, the bottom line is, we examine, we take inventory, we discover what's still good and we get rid of (or get over) what is no longer good and is creating toxic situations in our lives.

Couples coaches can help you through those questions, those situations and help you make better choices for you and your significant other going forward.  A good couples coach will help you take an objective, non-judgemental look at where you both are, what you want for your future and what needs to be done to get there.  CRC Life Coach has ICF trained coaches that have been through it and have the tools and the experience to help you get through it for yourself.

Contact CRC Life Coach today to set up a free, no obligation appointment to discuss what you are going through and to see how we can help you both get through it.

​So this one’s for the guys today, the men out there that have a sneaking suspicion that they are getting older and that their body is not as resilient as it was 10, 15 or 20 years ago.  Shocker!  You are!  And it isn’t!
So why pick on the XY’s, rather than the XX’s.  Here’s why.

• Men are less likely to go to a doctor when they feel sick due to an inner perception that they are too busy.  Regardless of whether this is a true or false perception, men have a tendency to place a higher priority on “taking care of business” than they do on their own physical health despite the obvious contradiction of logic.
• Despite the jokes that are made (usually by women) about men being babies when they are sick, men generally are more “body blind”, meaning, they are less aware of their bodies when their bodies are trying to tell them that something is wrong.
• It is more socially acceptable, even expected, for men to “push through the pain” when their body is talking to them.
• Men are more likely to see illness as weakness and, therefore, unacceptable.
• Men are more likely to associate illness with getting older, and less competent which is also perceived as weakness (yes, we are not the most logical).  As before, we consider this unacceptable.

All of these patterns combine and are aggravated by the fact that men are at a generally higher risk than women for:

• Diabetes, due to their natural tendency to store fat in their bellies.
• High Cholesterol
• High Blood Pressure
• Heart disease
• Heart Failure
• Stroke
• Lung, colorectal and brain cancer
• Alcoholism (as a physiological disease, not a psychological dependence)

That said, although women are more likely to attempt suicide due to depression, men in the U.S. are 3.5 times more likely to actually die by suicide than women.  And then there are the male specific diseases like prostate cancer.
So why am I, as a coach, bringing all this up?  I am not a doctor, or a psychiatrist, psychologist or even a nurse.  In fact though, although coaching is not considered to be a health profession, it is definitely what is considered a helping profession.
Additionally, the motto of CRC Life Coach has always been “Making the world a better place, one life at a time”
As a coach, I am here to encourage, to support, and to help my clients to question their motives, and challenge their thoughts so that we can make better choices that take us to better, healthier, and happier places, one day at a time.
I encourage you and challenge you today, right now, my male counterparts, to start listening closer to your body, to hear what it is trying to tell you.  Stop paying attention to the toxic ideas society has taught us we need to be as men, question our own thoughts and do what it is right to live longer, healthier lives.  Not just for ourselves, but for our friends, our partners, our families.  And every day, make it better and better.

Russell

For those of you that are unfamiliar with the process of coaching, the purpose is to reach goals, find a path, and ultimately to become a better person in the process.  In the spirit of personal self improvement, I have come up with five simple things you can do to become a better human being.  Obviously none of us are going to become Ghandi or Mother Teresa in a day, week, a month or even a lifetime, but the goal is always to get better and better every day.  Which, by the way, is one of my favorite mantras.
​

1. Study Love.  What? you say, what about positive affirmations and committing to doing better and accountability and driving yourself harder and better, reaching bigger and better results. Yeah, no.  Study Love.  Find out what it means to you, what it is in the depths of your heart, what it includes and what it doesn’t include.  As you may or may not have noticed, these are not 5 steps to getting what you want, these are 5 steps to becoming a better human being.  Making the meat suit you live in, worth its value to the rest of the world.  So... instead of becoming an expert in becoming more self confident, become a student of love.  Become an expert.
2. Hold your tongue.  If you are thinking about saying something to somebody.  Pause, think about what you are about to say and decide if it is reactionary or if it is truly and selflessly helpful.  If you can truly say, from the depth of your heart, that your response comes truly from a place of giving, rather than a place of ego, say it.  Otherwise, don’t.  I try to go by the old validation of “Is it true?  Is it necessary to say? Is it Kind?
3. Find your authenticity.  Notice, I didn’t say practice authenticity.  Most of the Western world has no clue what authenticity is.  Most people think it’s about honesty and truthfulness and saying what’s on your mind without a filter.  Nope.  Authenticity is about who you are at your core.  Not the image you project to the world, but that oneness that was you when you were first conceived.  I know.  It sounds very astral and woo-woo, but it’s not.  Deep down inside, we are humans, with specific characteristics and responses.  Over our lifetime, we have been trained to respond in a way to protect or to “get along with’’ or do whatever was necessary to not sustain damage to the mental, emotional or physical self.  Basically, find what you were BEFORE you learned to survive.  THAT’S your authentic self.  Before you were taught what you need to be by society.  Now be that.  As often as possible.  If that blows your mind, I have specific things you can do to help with that.  Reach out and we can talk.
4. Question your motives.  This is actually part of finding your authenticity, but it’s a concept that I believe stands on its own.  Similarly to thinking about what you say, pause and think about what you are doing and why.  Why am I doing this?  Is it to become a better person, contribute to society or help another human being?  Or is it for my own self interest.  I’m not saying that we shouldn’t do things for ourselves.  I firmly believe in the idea that you can’t help others when you are not taking care of yourself.  I mean, put your own oxygen mask on first.  But once you have your own mask on, what are you doing to contribute?  Are your  actions self motivated?  Or are they truly, sincerely, and AUTHENTICALLY, other-motivated?
5. Trust.  Trust that the universe will take care of you, no matter what.  Trust that wherever you are, you are right where you are supposed to be on this learning journey.  I’m not saying that stuff doesn’t happen, people don’t go homeless, humans aren’t being abused, killed and taken advantage of in the most horrendous ways every day and other humans continue to do it without repercussion.  All I’m saying is that we trust that there is a process.  If you can help in stopping injustice, PLEASE, do so.  Take action, make things better if you can.  But if you can’t, don’t get caught up in the minutiae that drags us down and makes us forget that we are part of a greater good.  That humanity is only here for a finite amount of time, that the universe is infinite and that we are an unimaginably miniscule piece of it.  And that when we are gone, the universe will go on, for trillions of years longer.  Trust it will all work out... eventually.

Again, I am not saying that everything that you say, do or think, should be completely ego free.  We are humans, we have instincts.  One of those is self preservation.  What I am saying is that if we start practicing these a little bit.  Just the tiniest bit, we will indeed start becoming better human beings.  Maybe 3 minutes out of your day.  Then you can go back to being a selfish, self centered, ego driven human for the other 23 hours, 57 minutes of the day.

Just saying...

​

"Anyone who knows me and has asked "how are you?" has also heard me say "better and better" or "better every day."

Why do I say that?

Also if you know me, you know I have mixed views on the whole affirmation thing.  I don't believe that constantly repeating "I am confident and good enough" are going to make you confident or help you KNOW you are good enough.  (You ARE good enough, by the way!) Repeating "I am good enough" over and over is like slapping a fresh coat of paint on rotting wood.  It may look better from the outside, and may convince some, but it doesn't fix the root cause and eventually you go back to what you really believe, which is that you are NOT confident, and that you are NOT good enough.

That being said, I DO believe that as a man thinks, so is he.  I know it seems contrary, but it really isn't.  The mind questions everything.  That's what it is designed to do.  If I look at a flower and say to myself, that flower is red, my mind will examine the evidence, determine if it is true or false and move forward with it's evaluation.  If the flower is indeed red (or a shade close enough to be considered red) the mind says "Yes, it is red".  Otherwise, it says, "No, that color is (insert whatever color the mind perceives it to be)."  This is what the mind considers a static fact.  It is or it isn't, black or white, yes or no.  As cruel as this may seem, if I say to myself, "I am confident", and all evidence points to the fact that I am, in fact, not confident, my mind rejects this, saying "No, you are not confident."  This will be the case, no matter how many times I repeat this to myself.  Until I show the mind evidence supporting the fact that I am, indeed, confident.  I am simply restating false evidence and the mind isn't buying it.

So what about better and better?  Well, the phrase "better every day" or "better and better" are not static facts, they are moving forward statements.  They have action.  They have momentum.  We are not stating a static fact, we are relaying information about an action.  "I am doing this"  The mind has a tendency to like this better and is much more willing to go along with it.  Am I in a condition now?  No, you are not.  Are you moving towards a particular direction?  Sure...maybe.

So what are you saying?  I am saying that if you choose to use affirmations, make sure that the affirmations you use have action and momentum.  Instead of "I am Confident", try "I am becoming more and more confident every day!"  And when you do, follow that up with supporting evidence.  Stand up straight.  Lean forward when you walk.  Move with purpose.  Use definitive language, e.g. "I will", rather than "sure, ok" or "I think I will."  Give your mind a reason to believe that what you are telling it is true!  Look for the evidence around you that supports your desired outcome.  We are convincing your mind that this is where we are going.

Originally posted on elitedaily.com
http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/covert-contracts/
Oct 16, 2012
11:45am

Covert contracts are when someone does something for someone else without completely explaining exactly what he or she wants from this person in return. For example, when a man takes a woman out to dinner and expects sex afterwards, that is called a covert contract.

Covert contracts also play a big role in unhealthy relationships. Even friends can have covert contracts with each other when there’s hidden expectations.

The covert contracts can cause anger and resentment between people. The person holding the contract is actually trying to manipulate the other because their actions are really parts of an agenda to get what they want. While one person accepts the things that they are offered, whether they be favors, gifts,or services, these people are expecting something in return.

When they don’t get what they expect in return, this is where the anger and resentment develops. They might hold this anger resentment towards them for a while before they explode. When the holder finally explodes with anger, the other person has no idea where it’s coming from. This is because the other person had no clue about this covert contract at all.

The contract holder is the type of person who is afraid of confrontation and is unable to communicate their needs efficiently, so they create these contracts to recognize the stipulations of certain relationships and hope eventually the other person will do what’s expected of them.  After countless let-downs, finally they build enough anger to voice themselves and the contract is exposed.

Like the woman who’s taken to dinner, she has no idea that this guy really just wants to sleep with her. After the few first dinners, the man was disappointed that he didn’t get sex, but he kept it to himself. After 2 weeks of dating,  he goes over her house and believes that she should finally give him sex. When he makes a move at the end of the night and she unexpectedly rejects him, he gets extremely mad and becomes a jerk.

The woman has no idea why he reacted that way and she believed that this man was into her more than that. Little did the man know that this woman didn’t think anything about the dinners and wasn’t expecting him to be such a jerk. She is turned off, he is frustrated, there is an argument, and the relationship ends. Only when it’s too late does one know the truth behind someone’s actions, and that is never a good thing when it comes to trying to maintain or build healthy relationships.

The best way to avoid contracts is to always ask someone what their intentions are and also create healthy boundaries by letting people know what you will and will not stand for. In order for you to avoid becoming the creator of a covert contract, you have to make sure you always tell people how you really feel about things. You also can’t expect people to be able to read your mind or live up to your standards all the time. With honest communication, you will avoid building anger or resentment towards someone that doesn’t fulfill your expectations.

Just because you’ve been buying birthday presents for your friend their whole life doesn’t mean that they have to buy the same amount for you. Nowhere in your relationship was it ever stated that you both have to buy each other gifts or had to return the favor. The reason why I say this is if you got mad at your friend about their lack of buying you gifts, I’d question your intention of buying them birthday gifts in the first place.

If you are a true friend and want to give them something  from the heart, then you shouldn’t care whether or not they return the favor. However, if you’re expecting something in return, then your intentions are not true and when you don’t get what you expect from that person, you will be disappointed and resent them.

In summary, the best way to avoid becoming a victim to covert contracts or creating them, is to make sure that you’re always practicing open and honest communication with people. By doing so, everything is always on the table and you can built real, solid healthy relationships with people in your life.

Angelo John Gage | Elite.

Angelo John Gage is the founder of Psychronicity.com

Our minds do what we tell them to do and make us what we tell them to make us.  We are what we tell our minds we are.  So quit using identifying phrases like "I am" when referring to negative behaviors.  All you are doing is reinforcing the self-imposed image that this is who you are, rather than what you have done.  Instead, try using past tense phrasing like "I have been" or "I used to." i.e. "Yeah, I have been guilty of procrastinating" instead of "Yeah, I'm a procrastinator."  An even better phrase might be "Yeah, I used to procrastinate, but now I don't."

"You will never change a behavior until you stop the voices in your head that tell you that you can't.  

There is no fear of change, only the results that come from it.

Try it, just one time, and prove that you won't die, even if you fail.

Prove the voices wrong, just one time, and you can build a foundation to make a life of change and growth and prove those voices wrong again and again. 

Don't think about changing forever though.  Just concentrate on the one time.

Can you change your behavior just once?"